lost

2012-01-19T12:14:00.004+08:00

today, i dreamt of 2 persons who are very important in my life.
first, mummy.
its been too long since i had a dream of u, but that doesn't mean i dun think of u.
ur images run through my head everyday and night.
i miss u. i miss u real bad.
i hope u are at a better place.
i hope God gave u a better place u truly deserved.
and that u would be safe and sound, happy and less stressful each and everyday.
I know its gonna be lonely for u right now.
But bear through it, we'd join u when we are ready.
And i hope it wouldn't be long.
I know you're gonna be so vexed over my being here.
Dun worry. I'd live it through with wat i can.
take care.. dun worry about us..

second important person in my life is someone too special to me.
she picked me up from the lonely corner and brought me to a fun side of life.
though it feels weird to me, but still i got to know alot other frens.
and these frens nv failed to be there whenever i met into troubles.
trustable, reliable frens.
this special someone gave me alot in our frenship of a year.
but i couldn't do anything for her when there is jus something simple she wanted of me.
i am so sorry for being such useless guy. such a selfish guy.
maybe i was too crazy over u.. i really dun wanna lose u so i reacted probably way too serious.. idk.. but i really dun wanna hear those 2 words coming out frm u.
but it really did. really.. made me went crazy.
my heart jus.. sank, tore, ripped, broken.. as if nth, nth would ever heal it back.
and i lived it through with a fake smile hung upon my face. it didn't work.
everything's changing. i realised. i couldnt take it anymore. i jus wanna run away.
hoping i would forget u. and so would u. but it didn't work.
nth could ever replace this empty vacant in my heart which shud belongs to u.
only you, could giv it a reason to give another beat.
nth much happens for another half a year. u did mentioned to me asking why i din ask for a second chance.
that point of time i really couldn't think straight. i really had no idea wat was going in my mind. but when i found out u wanted me to ask u to stay, i regretted nt having done so. but deep down in my heart i dun wan u to leave at all. u knw that im sure. so why choose going this way?
another few months past, i decided to come back for rondeau becoz i missed playing the flute.
coming back was really painful as usual. the old wounds jus start hurting itself again.
i didn't wanna come back anymore. but then i rmbed something. so i decided to still come back afterall.
still painful, but all along i was hoping it was worthwhile.
despite that we dun look at each other eyes anymore. we dun talk like we used to anymore. u no longer always sit beside me throughout the practices anymore. hanging out with u alone is simply jus impossible already.
now its like, i would thank God and kill myself jus to see u talk to me, smile at me. it didn't happen. painful, painful times..
nearing the day to the concert, i guess things got alittle better. we managed to talk one or 2 sentences. abit of smiles here and there. really really worthwhile.
and to the day of the concert. the usuals happened. reporting, travelling to venue, rehearsals, break, then the actual concert and then back to school.
i did received afew cards and gifts from my section and qiuyi. thank you very much. read the cards alrdy. it was lovely. sorry for those whom i didn't make for.. it was too last minute.. i had no time.. i am so sorry..
it is just indescripable. the 3 years of frenship in band, the 情 is really irreplaceable. unpayble debt i will owe u all for all my life. thank you all very much for these 3 years.
all the best to each and everyone for their future. hope we could stay in contact!
and all the best to my special someone! u'd always have my fullest support in whatever u do. and u will never be forgotten. even after a year, 2 years, 10 years, 50 years. u will still be inside the empty vacant in my heart which i got it for u. i am so sorry for the tears u cried for me. i am so sorry for the pain u endured becoz of me. i really really really still hope that one day we'd belong to each other. and i promise u wont shed another tear, nor have ur heart broken becoz of me. goodluck, all the best and thank you very much!

2011-11-28T22:50:00.002+08:00

when the question
"would you be ok if she moved on?" popped
i couldn't be much happier.
its a huge load of weight off my back.

i guess
aft all these days
this is the end of all sufferings.
truthfully, i dun see any point of u holding back
i am not holding you back either.
i love to see u moved on.
i jus wanted everything to end.
i wan my peace back.
i wan wat used to be last time, to be back now.
now that i heard you're moving forward,
i really couldn't be any much happier.

and i believed i made the right choice.
i had no regret at all.
true enough, u are a great fren.
one who can call u a true fren.
like who u were to me.
but i was too selfish and afraid.
i dun wan us to go any further than that.
theres a price to be paid.
losing you as a fren would be the very last thing i would choose if i had to.
but now it seems i lost u both as a fren and someone special.
well i guess,
good frens doesn't mean relationship material.
that is something i had definitely learnt.

i wish you all the best,
and watch me
i'd be the one standing behind having the last laugh.

2011-06-09T00:10:00.002+08:00

i wasn't the kind of guy u thought i was..
i didn't be the kind guy u always wanted..
but u claim u knw me..
then u shud knw im nv ur perfect guy..
u shud knw i wasn't gonna be the kind of guy u wanted..

silly girl, nobody remain frens aft a breakup..
everyone becomes strangers again u shud knw this is coming from the start..
pleading wont work.. its jus nature courses..

2011-06-06T00:42:00.001+08:00

there it goes again..
the thoughts is back..
cant help it..
but the words are picturing more clearly in my head..

another sleepless night..

2011-05-27T22:35:00.000+08:00

i knw im such a bad boyfren..
but i nv knw im so much worst being an ex-boyfren..

2011-05-10T04:23:00.003+08:00

well, its been close to a year now..
4 more months to be exact..
on september our big day, though its nth to proud of..
i still cant forget u..
every night im still haunted by memories..
and each time it brings me back to the past, i realised wat i shud have done during the time when it happened..

perhaps i shud have paid more attention..
so i wouldn't be still stuck to the point when things went wrong..
i would be able to move on..
but no..
i cant move on..
why is it so hard to move on..
i tried diverting my attention..
but it still wont work..
every night when i lay on my bed, it was always u who come into my mind..
and i couldn't slp again..

im very disappointed that i still had to blog this kind of thing up..
i shud be moving on, living my life to the fullest..
instead of dwelling back the past..
i always tell my fren to let such things go..
move on..
but when it comes to me, these words doesn't seem to hit me hard..
ridiculously ironic!

well anyway..
i hope that 4 months later..
the new JS and the new you, would be able to move on by now..
although it seems u are doing fine, im glad u are..
the september JS, if u happen to look back and saw this post..
i hope u shud be smiling now.
i hope u had moved on..
dun look back anymore..
the magics is waiting right in front of u..
:)

im sorry..
i couldn't move on..
i couldn't forget about you..
maybe i jus wanted a better day everyday..
i jus dun wanna suffer the pain anymore..
i dun like it at all..
thats why i couldn't move on..
maybe i jus hoped that someone could bring me out of this pain..
thats why i couldn't forget..
im sorry..

2011-04-29T03:31:00.004+08:00

i listened back the songs i used to play
in the year 2010..
i watched back the videos i used to watch
last time..

somehow my heart jus had this twitching feeling..
i dunno how to desscribe it..
its like feeling back about the past..
not jus think..
but feel as well..
the past JS in 2010..
stronger..
in love..
funnier..
sensible..
someone different from now..

the feeling is jus awesome..
its so much awesome than wat im feeling now..
the feeling of loving someone..
and yet u couldn't let her knw..
tht pain..
the feeling that u still had everything..
u still gt a life to live..

but wat is it now..
the 2011 me..
totally different..
an asshole..
lost everything..
heartbroken..
it feels like theres nowhere for me to go..
hit rock bottom..

i miss everything..
band..
music..
the smiles i see everyday in band..
my friends..
my lost old JS..
the old feelings i used to had..
i dun like the way i am now..
if i had known things would go that wrong..
i wouldn't even shud hav tried..
this is my biggest mistake..
in my whole life..
i lost everything.. dammit..

i jus hope i would find my new life
my new way of life
its gonna be different
i shud let old things go.
and build my better future..
i miss all of u, my pasts..
i miss u..
i miss everything..
im sorry..

i dun care if i was fatter back then..
i dun care if i was struggling with a crush..
i wish i could have everthing back to where i screwed it..
i've learnt frm my mistakes..

2011-04-22T02:16:00.004+08:00

i had my very cry today..
after like.. 3 years..
i needed tht.. thanks..

it made me realised wat i've done..
for the past whole year..
i let someth stupid took away everything i had..
and everything i once held..
i couldn't control myself well.. i couldn't handle situations well..
thus i ended up today.

frens
how many out there are actually there for me when i needed them the most..
those i thought would be there for me, werent too sure if they WOULD be there for me..
those i didn't need them to be worried for me, would come and giv me abit of concern..
have i given my utmost trust to the wrong groups?
or was it jus me and my misunderstandings..
wat exactly have i done..
i totally screwed up my precious frenship as well..

fuck i am jus so stubborn..
i always thought i was indepedent..
but i realised i never was one..
i really needed someone to be there to guide me..
how could anyone be tht dumb not to realise it?

watever..
i dun wanna rant anymore..
this life is beyond hope..
beyond words..
i can say anything i wan..
but it wont change anything..

2011-04-01T20:34:00.000+08:00

honestly deep inside i really wanna thank you
u were always trying to help me out of this
i appreciate it

but this is the shit i've created myself..
i bear for my own consequences
and this is nt ur burden to share..
if theres nothing i could repay ur support all this while
then.. idk..
afterall i really think theres nth i could do for u..

i will get out of this.. i hope..
i knw i will..

thanks..

2011-03-22T08:15:00.005+08:00

you said im always invading ur privacy when i was jus asking questions.
you said u dun like it when i called u with mushy names.
when i apologise, u said i overdid it way too much.
when i did not asked u out, u complained and was disappointed.
when i tried to put my time into planning a good date, u accepted and then rejected me.
when u wanted to break up, you said i did not stop u from leaving.
when i did not stop u from leaving, you said i dun understand u at all.
when i wanted to have u back, u said about ur issues and u're that not ready.
after such things had happened, u said u were still waiting for me.

everything had been going by ur ways.
i never asked for anything much.
i respect u and ur choices.
but what about me?

i asked you many questions becoz i jus wanted to talk to u more, make sure u weren't bored, to knw how was ur day and not stop texting u and leave u there alone..

i called u names becoz i wanted u to knw i am here in ur world, there was someone there u could rely on, someone u knw who love u so deeply and u deserved being loved that way.

i always apologise becoz i did not wan to lose u and disappoint u. i wanted to learn from my mistakes, and to make it up for u.

i did not ask u out for a date was becoz i was out with my brothers. i know u shud be prioritized first as it'd be our first date but everything was too rush to plan a good date.

i decided to make it up for u, gav u a call and u accepted. next few days i tried my best to think of the best first date for you.

you told me u wanted to break up becoz of ur issues and i did not stop u becoz if u were to look at the above, we din have a great first week of our relationship. i know u were very disappointed alrdy and probably gaven up on me. i couldn't giv u the sense of security to stop u worrying from ur issues.

people told me i still had a chance, and i knew i still had a chance but i've always been waiting for a right moment to confront u and hav u back. but everytime there is always sumth tht screws up. and then u'll tell me about ur issues again saying u're not ready. so i gav in, i listened and i tried to understand.

and as weeks gone by, we jus start drifting further and further..

and this is what u have wanted, isn't it?
why did u hav to break up and leave?
all i asked for was jus a simple love back in return.
i can giv everything up and spend my time with u.
i can make things up for u if it wasn't good enuff..
i would do anything jus for u, hoping u would still stay, have faith in me and don't leave me..
but u jus did..

so i have this small request from u....

2011-03-20T22:05:00.005+08:00

i have alot to say to you
but i dun know how to put 'em tgt
i dun wanna make myself sound too stupid
nor say things affecting u in watsoever way..

anyway
u shudn't have waited
i probably wasn't even there anymore

though i wrote things about wanting u back again
and im always thinking about u
but i cant make a move becoz
i believe it will be the same again
u utd the feeling?
i really really wanted it, but somehow jus sumth that i had to say no.
it doesn't feel good..
everyone told u to forget it,
everyone said i dun utd u at all
u kept telling me bout ur issue
i dun think i can help u out, can i?
it was all my fault,
i am not good enuff for u
i wasn't even ready in the first place
but i jus couldn't say no to u
becoz..
well..

-
everything was a mistake right from the start
i din wanna get involved
but it jus happened anyway..
so..
life still goes on for u
since u have made ur decision..
all i hope was u'd do better..

2011-03-14T00:12:00.001+08:00

sometimes deep inside i wish things would make a 180 turn.
and then turns out i'll be the one dropping a heartbreaker at you
and watch u deal with the pain.
u wont knw the pain unless u truly experience it in ur shoes.
i wan u to knw breaking ppl's heart is one of worst things.

2011-03-12T02:48:00.000+08:00

sometimes
there are questions not to be asked
there are things not to be confessed

sometimes
we shud cherish what we alrdy have

like a special frenship

2011-03-09T22:09:00.000+08:00

And apology now after all of this time
Won’t make my difference tonight
But I’m hoping I’m Sorry will open your mind
To another love in your life
im sorry that i love you

if you've got
nothing to protect,
you're no stronger than
a worm.
last bit of strength

2011-03-02T18:54:00.003+08:00

becoz seriously
if im jus gonna fail and fall on my both knees to the world,
jus tell me so i could giv it up.
i dun wanna get hurt at the end of the day,
aft spending years of commitment.

2011-02-27T03:52:00.000+08:00

everyday still wishing
everyday still dreaming
everyday still thinking

wishing that she would jus come into my life
we'd take off to a world of our own

dreaming that she'd call out my name..
she'd drag me to a corner..
she said she'd sumth impt to tell me..

thinking..
too much..
knowing this will nv nv happen

hahs..

2011-02-20T23:41:00.001+08:00

2 is better than 1~

2011-02-17T00:57:00.000+08:00

wat is frens?

are they there only when u needed them?
are they like hotel where u can come as u wish, go as u like?

so tell me,
wat is being frens?

2011-02-09T23:43:00.000+08:00

i've always wanted to live my life
enjoying it to the fullest
peaceful
fun
everything!
unregrettable youth!

relationship was out of the thought back then

but now, i jus dunno why
i felt so empty
i jus feel that being 2 is much much more better than jus 1
theres so much we could achieve with 2, than jus being 1!
everytime i saw or watch any romantic scene,
you would jus crossed by my mind
and i'd be like,
hey we could be that way too..
why not?

but i dunno..
its now like trying to drive a car that had jus got wrecked in multiple of accidents in a go..
the car would be so wrecked
that you knew that however way u try to start the engine, it wont work..
the car is dead..

but mayb the car isn't dead?
it could still move..
you nv know, if you did not try!
thats wat u taught me
despite the countless accidents, mayb the vital part of the car jus din get wrecked..
you could jus put the key back in and it still works!

idk but im in the driver seat now
still deciding how to put the key right back in..
how is the right way?
how can i do it?
shud i?

you're my lamborghini
the most beautiful car i've always dreamt of having with me
i only want u
i dun wan to lose u nor wreck u up into an accident
you're my precious

but idk..
this is the pain im feeling now
i dun expect u to utd fully though
becoz its ok
humans arent meant to utd pain fully
i am pain, so i knw myself..

but no offence
this is jus how i feel
deep inside.
:)

2011-02-08T14:38:00.000+08:00

如果有多一个机会
我一定会去争取那个第二次

不过我现在不能接受
我不想又在第二次的错误

when the time is right,
i'll make my move.

and i really hate this feeling..

2011-02-07T05:44:00.000+08:00

因为在一起的画面好浪漫
事情搞扎了后才发现自己已经神经病了

im trying so hard not to think anymore!!

so how long more?
time..

2011-02-05T03:53:00.000+08:00

i have sort of decided wat i wan
chosen the path i would like to go..

so the little brother inside me,
could u listen as i command?
how long more do u nid to take?
it is futile alrdy..

could u nt steal my heart away so easily?
wat is it that always keep pulling me in?

2011-02-03T12:17:00.000+08:00

好人太难当
坏人装的不喜欢

当谁才好？

2011-01-31T01:44:00.001+08:00

i will nv forget wat had happened

2011-01-23T05:24:00.000+08:00

im really feeling uneasy when you told me someth
i've got a really bad feeling
i really hope im thinking too much
i really wish someone would come over to tell me that
it isn't what im thinking how it is
becoz this feeling is similar as wat i've felt in the past
im really damn fcking worried..

but i swear

if anything
ANYTHING
fucken happened
to her
or anyone

i wont let you go
i WILL fuck you up

i will fuck you up..
don't
try
me..

calm down, ljs
calm downnnnnn

hai..
i hate it when i always say things that i don mean it
probably when u read this, it's alrdy too late..

dun go..
dun force urself to go if the decision is too tough for u
dun force urself to make it there
i actually really dun wan u to go..
(or at least go wit me then im ok :P hehe)
but if u went..
go there, have fun, meet ur frens, give them ur blessings, enjoy ur time there..
and i pray hard
u dun get unhappy there..
ok, gal? :)

i cant slppppppp!!!
my heart is filled with overthinking stuffsssss
hai..

2011-01-19T21:29:00.000+08:00

seriously wat i said wasn't wrong afterall

look at wat is happening now..
im sure u knw i really dun utd u at all

dun drive me mad crazy gal

talk to me
i wanna hear u
dun stfu there and let me knw nothing
things are going round like a circle again

u claim u knw me well
but wat ur action isn't proving wat u claim
show me wat u knw u shud do

i really feel no point in living anymore
ending my goddamn pointless life is such a better way out for me
u kept giving me this shit pain inside me
i really cant control anymore
how much do u wan me to suffer?
how much u urself wanna suffer along?
drinking, giving up on school, holding on to a fucked up life, grasping on a useless dream..
MY ENTIRE LIFE IS TOTALLY SCREWED ALREADY
WHAT DO U WAN ME TO DO

WHAT THE FUCK SHUD I DO
I REALLY DUN KNW

gal im trying so hard to get over myself
to start things over fresh again
things was going so well
i really love the past few days
it was a good start towards a better change
i believed things can go on well and successfully
but has it screwed up again?
wat shud i do?
really..
wat..?

2011-01-19T01:23:00.001+08:00

hai..
=(

seriously i jus cant forgiv myself..
why am i so crazy??
sorry ..

2011-01-18T02:52:00.000+08:00

unity is how we going to stand

we fall together, we get back together

understanding is best part we could play

storm after storm, they kept coming

brave through them, till we see the greens

nothing is individual problem

one's problem is everyone's problems

2011-01-13T01:57:00.000+08:00

guess i am too obsessed over u
really
and i wonder if u feels the same too?
hahs....

hope to giv myself more time

shud i go back for mus'art?
or shud i join kimseng windsss..
or shud i go back to Audio Image..
hmmmmmmmmm
the music passion in me has hit back
im gonna be an SAF musician in the central band..
and then im off to pursue the directing dip..
im gonna be a conductor
im definitely going to be

mayb i shud try out each of 'em
and see how things goes

till then!

stars

2011-01-11T22:29:00.001+08:00

this star that doesn't lit..
theres no point burning hard..
to believe that it'll lit someday..

so tired..

2011-01-08T09:31:00.000+08:00

i can savage it
i knw i can

i knw i can change the things
its gonna be tough
but i believe i have wat it takes

i knw hope is still there
always there

:'(

2011-01-07T00:01:00.001+08:00

If things that i've done
really anger u that much
If talking to me
is so difficult for you
If im so irritating to you
then hate me

hate me
so u can see whats good for u

becoz i dun have the courage
to watch treating me that way
my heart is never so strong
to watch u that way

just hate me..

痛

2011-01-04T05:27:00.000+08:00

我真的不是一直怪自己
我知道这一切真的都是我的错
都怪我不够争气
不够珍惜
之到事情一切都改不了，回头不了
我才发现
有好多好多事我和你都没做过

我知道你一直以来就在我身旁
但我不主动
没把我那双手好好的给你一个拥抱
带你走我们两人的路
给你从没有人给过你的那天空

我真的很对不起
真的很对不起，让你那双美丽的眼睛为我流泪
让你脆弱的心为我而心痛

我只能希望
我们能回到过去
到 25/4/2009
当你开始接受我到你的世界
我这次会好好的珍稀
不会再犯错
不会再让你难过
不会让你一个人在我旁边等我的主动
我会牵着你的手
让你知道我也多么爱你
我会给你一切
带你进入我的世界
就你跟我

如果你这次真的走了，
忘了我了
我不住址你
我会和你一样
相信一个叫 - 缘分

2 is better than 1

2011-01-03T23:41:00.000+08:00

1 month is like so fcking difficult for me..
so painful for me to watch things diff frm how it used to be..
the flute section..
the band..
everything..
the feelings' so different already..

idk wat is my decision..

is the 1month for u to let go..?
u really will be going, wont u..?
..
.
ill be strong..
:(

2010-12-29T02:40:00.000+08:00

lately u've been so cold..
yeah i like it..
its great..

continue it this way..
so that i can leave with no worries..
with no regrets..

its nt wat u wan anymore..
its wat i wan..
which i swear u wont understand..
and u cant giv..

dilemma

2010-12-23T18:39:00.000+08:00

i've been thinking about it for quite some time..
leave, or stay..
leaving was an easy choice..
i'd just resign frm everything and jus go..
but wats holding me back..
are my frens..

it'd be unfair for them...
especially yanting..
i dun wan to throw my workload to her..
she's struggling for her librarian stuffs..
i dun wanna leave and make create more stress for her..
i dun wanna disappoint them..
everyone's a great fren to me..
i love being with them..
i love all the outings..
they made me realise wat kind of a person i am..
i learnt more about myself from them..
they are all my greatest frens i could've ever met..
leaving is too unfair for them for the next yr..
they are wat is holding me back frm leaving..

but wat is there for me to continue staying..
i've lost everything..
i've lost a best fren..
i lost my best sectionmate..
i've lost the gal i love deeply...
she's my everything..
now i've lost her..
i've lost everything..
the feeling isn't there anymore..
the motivation to stay isn't there anymore..
i dun see myself enjoying being in band anymore..
things have made a big change..
it isnt like the past anymore..
im really really dying to wish tht things would go back like the past..
i'd die for it..
but i knw it wont..
looking forward is too much pain for me..
i cant afford to let go..
i sucks..

gal, u were nv alone..
i was always there..
but why did u have do it..
it din do any of us good..
why do u have to make things complicated..
i hope u could move on..
dun put too much hope on me anymore..
im not sure u have already given up or not..
but jus forget about me..
i doubt i could make things change..
i doubt i can savage this relationship back to where it was..
back to where we have drop it down..
let time heal our pain..
i'll be gone, dun worry..
i wont appear infront of u, so that u could have a peaceful life to live..
forget out past, forget wat we have.. forget that u have a fren called LJS..
work hard in life..
u're a nice person and im sure u could find someone who could giv the kind of life u wanted..
im sorry
our story din ended up how we wanted it to be..
im really sorry..

if only i've asked u to stay, u would have stayed..
but now i needed u to stay and be with me.. will u come back and complete our story till the very last chapter?
i really hope u would..
hahs.....

2010-12-18T01:31:00.000+08:00

im not angry
wasnt trying to pick a fight at all
din mean to make u angry
why the hell would i?

mayb i sounded mean
but wats on the digital world, is diff frm the reality

i din say i wasn't in the wrong
i knw its my fault

but fuck why din i apologise
why do i always try to talk it out

now nobody slps peaceful tonight

im sorry

2010-12-18T01:02:00.000+08:00

sibeh lei
damn tired..
physically
mentally..

2010-12-02T23:29:00.000+08:00

looking at how things have turn out now..

how heartache i'll be..

this isn't wat i can giv..

i want you so badly..
i need you so badly..

but sumths jus in between us that i jus cant make my way into your

i wanna be yours
i wanna make u mine
i wanna be the one holding your hands down the street
my presence sheltering u frm everything

im gonna make u the luckiest gal in the world
i jus dun lose u to some other guys

i love you, gal..

complication

2010-11-25T23:36:00.000+08:00

so vexed..
so blurred..
so many things in my mind..
jus cant put them together..

who could hear me out?
who could truly understand my pain?

would you?
do you really knw wat i wan?
do u really knw wat the fuck im being so hard for?
why am i losing myself?
why the fuck i dun see any point in my life?

u dun say anything
it seems ur world still turn around the globe
i dunno wat inside u
wat are u really feeling
u make me feel unappreciated

i keep taking a step back
i dunno how many foot i have taken
i just cant stop loving

a moment i see you, anywhere, anytime, anyhow
my heart jus soften and feel relief
ah, its you
i miss you
i finally got to see you